Friday, 15 February 2013

Yesterday's Lenten Offerings: Papal Edict #2


Seeing as how I'm now Pope and everything, I am allowed to do what Popes traditionally do at this time of year, which is to make up new reasons to get round their own theologically-imposed dietary restrictions, and then endow them with doctrinal significance. My favourites are:
     1. Reclassifying all water-mammals and waterfowl as 'fish' rather than 'meat', thus making it ok to eat otters and such on Fridays
     2. Granting Sundays as exceptions to the abstinences of Lent, as Jesus spent only 40 days in the wilderness, and there are more than forty days between Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

"We Like Seafood, Mama" - because there's never a bad time to sing songs about oral sex

 So, here we are, two days into Lent - and I hereby deliver my second Papal Edict:
1. Popcorn was not on my list of banned substances this Lent, so it is perfectly ok for me to have scoffed a buttload of it at the cinema this afternoon. Popcorn forms part of the entertainment at the cinema, and therefore does not count as an indulgent snack.
2. The same applies to the champagne I am about to fill my glass with. I never *actually* said I would *definitely* give up fizzy plonk this year anyway, even if I thought it might be a good idea, and anyway, see rule 1 - it's Valentine's Day and therefore Champagne counts as part of the entertainment.

Go in Peace. And Stockings.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013


It All Started On Twitter...

Actually, that's only half true. It started in November 2012 when the General Synod voted against the ordination of Women Bishops. I was very, very angry about that. Partly, I should add, because it turned me into the kind of person who tweets into news programmes - that is, it made me feel very strongly about an issue which has absolutely nothing to do with me and yet I was determined to use social media to voice my ill-informed opinion about it. Thanks, General Synod.  Perhaps you'd like to join me on Jeremy Kyle some time soon. As a vent for my wrath, I turned, as any rational adult should, to Playmobil.
You see? Isn't she lovely? Oh yes, I blogged about it too

As I'm not a Guardian columnist*, I shall not spend the rest of this blog entry telling you why I am still rather put out about the 'No' vote. You may as well ask why I don't feed Findus lasagne to my children: if you need answers to either of those questions, may I politely refer you back to Mr Kyle, where you may feel more at home. But thanks to the 'sudden' 'shock' resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, a new calling has opened up for me. I no longer wish to be Bish. No, it's now
 © and Muriel Lavender

It began with a single nomination by a Twitter friend. Before long, the campaign had gathered momentum and no fewer than four people had tweeted the hashtag #muriellavenderforpope.  Soon the tag went viral, trending in at least one person's Twitter feed. My number of Twitter followers rocketed by 0.4% to 275! The time had come to start publishing my Manifesto:

Having been informed by my Discworld Mummy (see, I embrace a multi-faith society) that  "[Sorry Mu, but] the Pope Elect must stand on a glass pavement and three Bishops must take a look to see that 'he' is a 'he'; if all the 'bits' are in place he is crowned Pope", I can assure all my followers that that'll be the first thing to go. Standing on a glass floor showing Bishops my Holy C? I don't think so. I hereby announce the very first of my Papal Edicts:

"All future Papacies will be decided by means of a selection process which shall hereafter be known as the Vatican-can: Papal candidates will perform a Burlesque-style striptease routine in which they start off dressed as Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music and finish up dressed as Julie Andrews in S.O.B.***"

And do you know what? Men need not apply. Let's have it this way for two thousand years, then if you like, we'll swap back.  


Tough. You should have let me be a Bishop when you had the chance**. Go in peace. And Stockings.

*Can you imagine? 'Why I'm Still Angry About 'No' Vote on Women Bishops', by Muriel Lavender. Followed up by 'Why I Think Breathing Is A Really Good Idea'. Oh, fuck off, for goodness' sake, do

**Yes, I know the General Synod is the Church of England, and the Pope is, blah, blah, blah. Yawn. Do you know who's on top of my Christmas Tree?  Charles Darwin, that's who.

***That is an hilarious Julie Andrews joke, by the way. No, it is.