Friday, 15 February 2013

Yesterday's Lenten Offerings: Papal Edict #2


Seeing as how I'm now Pope and everything, I am allowed to do what Popes traditionally do at this time of year, which is to make up new reasons to get round their own theologically-imposed dietary restrictions, and then endow them with doctrinal significance. My favourites are:
     1. Reclassifying all water-mammals and waterfowl as 'fish' rather than 'meat', thus making it ok to eat otters and such on Fridays
     2. Granting Sundays as exceptions to the abstinences of Lent, as Jesus spent only 40 days in the wilderness, and there are more than forty days between Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

"We Like Seafood, Mama" - because there's never a bad time to sing songs about oral sex

 So, here we are, two days into Lent - and I hereby deliver my second Papal Edict:
1. Popcorn was not on my list of banned substances this Lent, so it is perfectly ok for me to have scoffed a buttload of it at the cinema this afternoon. Popcorn forms part of the entertainment at the cinema, and therefore does not count as an indulgent snack.
2. The same applies to the champagne I am about to fill my glass with. I never *actually* said I would *definitely* give up fizzy plonk this year anyway, even if I thought it might be a good idea, and anyway, see rule 1 - it's Valentine's Day and therefore Champagne counts as part of the entertainment.

Go in Peace. And Stockings.

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