Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Oh Go On, Let Me Be A Bishop, Please, I'd Be A ******* Good One

© 2012 Muriel Lavender - Play-Mu-Bish
Dearly Beloved, today's sermon is taken from the Fifteenth Book of Christmas, chapter 12, verses 1-24. I wrote it myself. Isn't that the custom? I am a Bishop. 

"1And it came to pass that Joseph of Nazareth did speak unto his wife a third time, saying, O most holy Mother, the cock hath crew thrice already and His Lordship hath not yet arisen from his pit. 2And Mary did consider and reply, Do not forget, Husband, that the Lord is a growing boy and He needeth His sleep. 3And mind thy grammar. 4That may be so, Wife, said Joseph unto Mary, but it changeth not the fact that thou art suffering Him to lie about in bed today of all days. 5Whereupon Mary did flick Joseph about the tunic with a teatowel, saying, Thou wert no doubt the same when thou wert that age. 6Unto this Joseph could make no reply, for he saw that the most Holy Virgin Mother did verily speak the truth. When he could no more endure the waiting, Joseph did again go to Mary and implore of her, Canst thou do nothing to wake Him? 7The hour at which we break our fast approacheth, and my stomach doth begin to believe that, like the sacrificial lamb, my throat hath been cut. 8At this Mary did roll of her eyes unto Heaven and say, 9Sooth, thou shalt not die of hunger, thou great wet blanket, why dost thou not make thyself useful and bring forth the Hoover? 10The Hoover? quoth Joseph. 11Yea, the Hoover, quoth Mary, and verily at that moment did a brilliant light  shine upon the head of Joseph, and the angels did sing in holy harmony. Ah, uttered he, 12I get thy drift. 13And thus it came to pass that Joseph did extract the Hoover from where it lay in a small utility cave, the existence of which was unto him hitherto unknown. And in his joy, Joseph was moved to exclaim, 14Righteously with this Hoover shall I cause the Lord to stir even from his pit, that we may at last gladly and with thanks feast upon our festive victuals and open our presents. 15Well done, Husband, Mary did reply unto him in such a virtuous whisper that he might not hear, 16Art thou not clever. 17And at that moment by the pressing of the button which beareth the Mighty Word, ‘ON’, did Joseph cause the air to be rent by a fearful noise. 18And the fearful noise did continue until the door unto the Lord’s chamber did open, whereupon the Lord Himself did appear, in His pants. At this Joseph did rejoice in his small victory, and enquired of the Lord, 19Jesus, what time dost thou call this? 20And the Lord was most displeased, and He did gnash of His teeth and speak in tongues about it being well unfair, it’s like My birthday and everything. 21And with that did He shuffle into the bathroom, from whence did issue sounds which, though alarming, did fill of His parents’ hearts with hope that the Lord may yet appear a second time before noon.  22And Mary did turn unto Joseph, saying, there you are Husband, 23the Lord doth move in mysterious ways. And Joseph did reply, 24Yea, dear Wife, that He doth."

Here endeth the lesson.

© Muriel Lavender
November 2011