Monday, 21 September 2015


I post pithy remarks on Instagram because I like to imagine that people find me witty and interesting. There's usually a link to my blog despite there never being anything relevant on it whatsoever. 
To remedy that, here are some things I've said. Filth, mostly. But I'm looking forward to seeing seeing them attributed to Marilyn Monroe, Abraham Lincoln, and Buddha, any time soon. 
Yes, that was an Oxford comma. I fucking love an Oxford comma, sometimes. 

*I'm pretty sure the Muon one was me. I certainly say it when I'm cross. 

Thursday, 17 September 2015

They Laughed At Semmelweiss Too, You Know

I made this, because it was funny. But to prove I actually thought about it, here is an explanation.
Admittedly, I didn't think about it very hard. But I did try, a little. Then I posted it on Instagram and only about three people liked it. No-one on Twitter or Facebook gave a flying fuck - except Trevor. Trevor understands me. So, this explanation is for his benefit and mine. Bollocks to the lot of you.

Clearly, this element was just begging for discovery. Fortunately, Professor Mu works long into the night, burning the candle at both ends, but always grasping it firmly in the middle; and thus I bring you Bellendium. The 120th element in the great Mendeleev's periodic table (you may recall my other discoveries*, elements 114-119 - each of which turned out to be essential to the effective practice of Periodic Swears), its properties are as yet not fully understood; however in its inert state it has so far been found to be pretty fucking useless.
*Working with my esteemed colleague, Professor W. Wankblot

Anyway. I thought you might be interested to know how I discovered its stable isotopes - that's those numbers down the right-hand side, for anyone whose knowledge of the periodic table is - well, about the same as mine, really.
Without spelling it out and ruining the poetry of the moment (and you'd be amazed at where I get my thrills, you would,  truly) - I'll just leave this here.

PS: I just took the Sprigs to see As You Like It at the Globe. Wonderful as always, and with the added pleasure of seeing some of our Globe favourites like Arngeir, Michelle Terry and of course, James Garnon as Jacques. He singled out my very own "whining schoolboy" with "shining morning face", and I swelled with pride.

Wait - maybe that's one of the properties of -

- Never mind.