1. Shameless request for further sponsorship
2. Brief summary of why I'm baring my bottom
3. Poetic interlude
4. Further padding
5. My bottom
IF ANY OF THIS CONTENT IS LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU*, STOP. STOP NOW. GO AND GIVE MONEY TO KITTENS, OR THE CHURCH, OR SOMETHING.
*ADMITTEDLY, MY POEMS ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWFUL
You may be aware of the extent to which Beards have taken over my life. If, y'know, you live in this Universe, or any of the others, depending on whether you subscribe to the Many Universes Theory; though I'm pretty sure everyone is sick of looking at my arse in all of them.
SPONSOR ME HERE - GO ON:
DO IT NOW, BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN AND LOOK AT MY BOTTOM
Beards:
A year ago I became a Brand Ambassador for Captain Fawcett’s Gentlemen’s Grooming products.
Last July I cut the ribbon at the Wessex Beardsmen’s first annual Beard and Moustache Championships.
Within months I took the Silver trophy at the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Stuttgart. (Ladies’ category, of course - and if you follow that link, there's a lovely pic of me chatting with the World No.3)
At the start of the year I became Miss January for the Whiskerinas' 2014 charity calendar. Me. Miss January. I know.
THIS SEPTEMBER I will co-host the British Beard and Moustache Championships in Bath, UK.
I take my Bearding seriously, is what I'm saying. Bearding has been kind to me, and I love it.
The chosen charities supported by the 2014 Championships are Dorothy House Hospice Care and Depression Alliance. To mark the occasion in a PERMANENT way, and to help raise much-needed funds for these two great causes, I’m doing something drastic. This crazy project represents six hours of agonising pain for me… but with YOUR HELP, the funds raised could make a huge difference in the lives of those affected by much more real pain and suffering. Yes, I'm having a Sponsored Arse-Tattoo.
Before I get to the details (and yes, I'm just forcing you to scroll down, really, but I like to provide culture as well as filth), here's a poem which sums up my life as it is at present, and it's dedicated on this occasion to the girls I performed with last night. They all understand. I was at Kitty Ribbons' Gloucester show, 'Cherries On A Cloud', which is possibly my favourite show to do. I love the venue, the audience, the girls, the crew... I am very blessed. Very blessed indeed. So pity our poor partners.
Artiste
for a Wife
Or,
F*cking
Glitter Everywhere
Everyone thinks it’s a
glamorous life
Having a Burlesque
artiste for a wife:
It’s a non-stop tornado
of music and dance
And of course I do have
a magnificent arse!
- Not that he’d know because he never sees
I rarely get home
before twenty-to-three;
He used to wait up but
he don’t so much now
Since I said, ‘You want
sexual intercourse? How
D’you think that
conversation is going to go?
I’ll give you a clue,
it ends with a NO!
How long do you think
I’ve been on my feet
In six inch stilettoes?
– six hours at least!
I just want to have a
sit down and a cuppa
But no – your wife
comes home and you want to fuck her!
Glitter all over my
face and my hair
I’m covered in glitter
from here down to there
I’m covered in makeup
and sequins and sweat
I’m struggling to
breathe! You imagine I’m getting
My freak on, the second
I walk in the door?
Well, Baby, I am – I’m
a Cabaret Whore!
I’m horny as fuck! You
wouldn’t believe
Quite how desperate I
am to have you relieve
Me, don’t wait for the
bedroom, right here in the hall
Just do me while
pressing me up to the wall –
It’s not just the roar
of the crowd, I confess
That’s got certain
areas under my dress
Behaving in ways that
are certain to shock
If I may be blunt, I’m well
up for some cock –
(I’m
aware the word ‘blunt’ has an obvious rhyme
Did
you notice it’s not at the end of a line?
I’m
not that sort of girl, I’m quite filthy but still,
I’ve
not said it on stage, and I never will)
– I’ve been fondled and
kissed by six women tonight
And it’s that that’s been making my thighs feel
tight
But women are so much
more physical than
I’d engage for, for
certain, if it was a man;
And I love that the
sisterhood celebrates wit,
And beauty, and curves,
without being a bitch
– Leave that to
Hollywood, Heat or Hello
Real women enjoy real
friendship up close;
So glitter envelops our
breasts and our hair
I’m covered in glitter
from here down to there
Enough with the
talking! Now let’s get it on!
Shut up or you’ll find
that my lady-wood’s gone
Get me out of this gear
by untying this lace
(Steady on, love, that
just flicked in my face)
Unclasping my bodice
will take a few minutes
My hair's coming down
so I need to unpin it
Knickers on top and
some more underneath
Yes, take them off – take
them off with your teeth!
Divest me of feathers,
denude me of hose
As for my shoes - I'll
let you play with those
Unhand me of fans and
deflower my gown
Strip me of jewels from
navel to crown
Glitter in knickers and
glitter in hair
I’m covered in glitter
from here down to there
Everyone thinks it’s a
glamorous life
Having a Burlesque
artiste for a wife
No doubt about it! We
strip and we tease
We’ve all sorts of
delicate tricks up our sleeves
From a flirtatious
glimpse to a slow stocking peel
No wonder you can’t
wait to see our reveal
My welcome is warm, and
it’s wet, but again
When it’s over, there’s
still no escaping the trend
You find that there’s
glitter all over the end –
Ooh. Chafing.
February 2014
Here's the initial sketch I sent to the artist when I commissioned the work: I sort of knew what I wanted, but as the artist is none other than Brian Kesinger himself, I knew he'd understand what I was after.
As you see, I needed an expert. However, a tattoo is a permanent friend, and it has to sit perfectly where it's placed. It was essential that Brian knew his canvas, so to speak. As he is, of course, an Artist, a Professional, and a Gentleman, I felt sure he would not be excessively shocked. And do you know, as it turned out, he was too polite to even mention it.
So I sent this - which is the picture I promised I would publish when your donations to the two causes reached £500. Current count is almost £580 - so with my love, gratitude, extreme puzzlement, shock at my own temerity, and a fair dose of 'Ha Ha, Get a Load of Mu's Arse', here it is. Unfiltered, un-shopped, just with the bits concealed that you really don't need to see...
And finally - the Bard himself,
with thanks to Brian Kesinger. I'll see you at the
with thanks to Brian Kesinger. I'll see you at the
. 
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