And Jesus went forth into the wilderness and lo, there did He stay for forty days and forty nights. 2And verily the Devil visited Him in His solitude on such a night as the Lord was feeling rather peckish. 3And the Devil spake unto Him, saying, Lord, have some cake. 4And the Lord said, No. 5And the Devil did yet urge Him most pressingly, saying, 6Go on, it’s a nice one from Lidl, 14 per cent butter; 7the Germanites, they are gifted with the knowledge of making really good cake. 8And the Lord did feel moved to concur, and thus did He agree, 9In truth, Satan, they do get some great stuff in around Christmastime. 10And the Devil said, What? 11And the Lord replied, Never mind. 12And seeing that the Lord could not be swayed from the righteous path with cake, though it be 14 per cent butter marble cake even from the hosts of Lidl, 13the Devil did try of another tack. 14And lo, brought he forth a vessel of glass, sealed to the uttermost with cork and wire. 15Behold this, said he unto the Lord, For it is nicely chilled. 16And the Lord saw that it was so, for even as the Devil uttered the words, verily a fog did form the vessel thereupon. 17And the Lord said, Nay, Foul Tempter, for have I forsaken all such things for Lent. 18Get thee behind me and try me not. 19And so saying, the Lord did turn his back upon Satan, 20whereupon the air was rent by a mighty pop, and did the watching seraphim grind of their teeth. 21The Lord did turn again, and Satan held out unto Him a glass of fizzy plonk, saying, 22Go on, knock Thyself out; 23drink Ye of this, for a nice Cava is most verily the Nectar of the Gods. 24And the Lord asked, O yes? Which ones? 25And the Devil did shrug of his shoulders and reply, 26O, I don’t know, figure of speech, anyway go on, I can’t finish a whole bottle and ’tis a sin to waste it. 27And the Lord did raise of His hand unto the Devil, and He did declare, 28Speak thou unto the Hand, O Evil One, for the Face listeneth not. 29And at this Satan did empty the contents of the glass into his foul maw, whereupon he did at once pour a second glass, saying, 30That one touchèd not the sides. 31 Then turned he unto the Lord and said, 32Thou knowest not what Thou art missing, for this is a fine drop though it be only £4.85 from Asda. 33And at this the Lord did utter a sharp intake of breath, saying, £4.85? I remember when it was £2.93. 34And the Devil did reply, Indeed O Lord, we know who art the real Source of All Evil. 35And the Lord did righteously agree, adding, 36Dost thou know they’re banging out Easter eggs three for a fiver? 37And the Devil said, That is indeed well disrespectful. 38Sooth, I might pay the hosts of Wal-Mart a visit, for their exploitative trading practices and woeful treatment of the humble farmers have earned them a place in the very foulest pits of Hell.
39And the Lord said, You do that.
© Muriel Lavender
After giving up everything for Lent