Everyone Listen To Muriel: pants

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Oh Go On, Let Me Be A Bishop, Please, I'd Be A ******* Good One

Dearly Beloved, today's sermon is taken from the Fifteenth Book of Christmas, chapter 12, verses 1-24. I wrote it myself. Isn't that the custom? I am a Bishop.

^"1And it came to pass that Joseph of Nazareth did speak unto his wife a third time, saying, O most holy Mother, the cock hath crew thrice already and His Lordship hath not yet arisen from his pit. ²And Mary did consider and reply, Do not forget, Husband, that the Lord is a growing boy and He needeth His sleep. ³And mind thy grammar. ⁴That may be so, Wife, said Joseph unto Mary, but it changeth not the fact that thou art suffering Him to lie about in bed today of all days. ⁵Whereupon Mary did flick Joseph about the tunic with a teatowel, saying, Thou wert no doubt the same when thou wert that age. ⁶Unto this Joseph could make no reply, for he saw that the most Holy Virgin Mother did verily speak the truth. When he could no more endure the waiting, Joseph did again go to Mary and implore of her, Canst thou do nothing to wake Him? ⁷The hour at which we break our fast approacheth, and my stomach doth begin to believe that, like the sacrificial lamb, my throat hath been cut. ⁸At this Mary did roll of her eyes unto Heaven and say, ⁹Sooth, thou shalt not die of hunger, thou great wet blanket, why dost thou not make thyself useful and bring forth the Hoover? ¹⁰The Hoover? quoth Joseph. ¹¹Yea, the Hoover, quoth Mary, and verily at that moment did a brilliant light shine upon the head of Joseph, and the angels did sing in holy harmony. Ah, uttered he, ¹²I get thy drift. ¹³And thus it came to pass that Joseph did extract the Hoover from where it lay in a small utility cave, the existence of which was unto him hitherto unknown. And in his joy, Joseph was moved to exclaim, ¹⁴Righteously with this Hoover shall I cause the Lord to stir even from his pit, that we may at last gladly and with thanks feast upon our festive victuals and open our presents. ¹⁵Well done, Husband, Mary did reply unto him in such a virtuous whisper that he might not hear, ¹⁶Art thou not clever. ¹⁷And at that moment by the pressing of the button which beareth the Mighty Word, ‘ON’, did Joseph cause the air to be rent by a fearful noise. ¹⁸And the fearful noise did continue until the door unto the Lord’s chamber did open, whereupon the Lord Himself did appear, in His pants. At this Joseph did rejoice in his small victory, and enquired of the Lord, ¹⁹Jesus, what time dost thou call this? ²⁰And the Lord was most displeased, and He did gnash of His teeth and speak in tongues about it being well unfair, it’s like My birthday and everything. ²¹And with that did He shuffle into the bathroom, from whence did issue sounds which, though alarming, did fill of His parents’ hearts with hope that the Lord may yet appear a second time before noon. ²²And Mary did turn unto Joseph, saying, there you are Husband, ²³the Lord doth move in mysterious ways. And Joseph did reply, ²⁴Yea, dear Wife, that He doth."

Here endeth the lesson.

© Muriel Lavender

November 2011

Sunday, 25 November 2012

The Turtle Moves. But Discworld Fans move mountains.

My Grandmother - 'Head Grandma', as she is known, being the Lavender family Matriarch - is 96 and sharp as a tack. She plays Scrabble with her friends once a week. She has travelled the world and made lifelong friends everywhere she has been. These days she's a little bit frail; but if I can be half the woman she is when I am in my Lavender Bag years, I will consider that an achievement.

Keeping one's brain active and stimulated is believed to be something of a safeguard against Alzheimer's. It's by no means infallible, but it's a reminder that one should, maybe, I don't know, write more poetry and spend less time arsing about on Facebook.


*and these awesome boots #lovethemsomuch

To the point: I'm sitting here on my sofa, dressed in pyjama top, fishnets and a pair of Deadly is the Female's finest* (click there to see some really nice pants). It's been a crazy weekend - I've given several poetry performances this weekend as part of the 10th anniversary celebrations of the twinning of Ankh-Morpork, the greatest city on the Discworld, with Wincanton in Somerset - home, naturally, of the Discworld Emporium and the finest Hogswatch celebrations you'll see anywhere. It's an overwhelming thing to have been part of - the love, warmth and passion of all those Discworld devotees, who brought together all those other warm and passionate Discworld devotees from around the globe.

Here are some photos; the key points to note are as follows. In summary, People Are Amazing, and Donate To RICE Here.

That's it.

1. My friendship with a remarkable young artist, Captain Purky initially brought me to Wincanton and the Discworld folk. You can find out more about the Captain and his work here. Much love, Harry. xxxxx
2. I believe Sir Terry Pratchett himself describes his most dedicated Discworld followers as 'Bloody Loonies'. It's clear that his regard for these Loonies is both warm and mutual. I was privileged to be part of all this inspired lunacy this weekend.

3. Speaking of Sir Terry, he came in during my performance and took a seat. That was a very special moment for me.
4. The generosity (and, it must be said, devoted fandom) of the Discworldians who attended the auction, raised over £2900 for The Research Institute for the Care of Older People.
5. As if giving a poetry performance in front of Terry Pratchett were not enough, I did something else - two other things - that felt pretty special. I donated one of my Edinburgh Fringe posters to the auction, which sold for at least four times more than I thought it would, and the buyer asked if I would sign it. I won't lie: that was a lovely moment. And I got to use a Sharpie pen. The second thing was, a teacher asked me to record a video message for a struggling student of hers who was making some bad decisions and falling in with the wrong people. So somewhere in the UK, I'm going to appear on a whiteboard this week, earnestly advising an unknown young person that yes, poetry is fantastic, but Poetrix Doth Not Live By Verse Alone.
6. Incidentally, Reaper Man is my favourite. And today, I found a spoon*.