PINTERFACE-TWITTAGRAM And Why I Love It. Dot Mu.

DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN FIND ME ON FACEBOOK? Of course you do. It’s probably how you ended up here.

You - yes, you! Say something

And on Twitter – you can find me there, twittering away with my chums; and now on Insta-that, too.

Oh, and of course, Pinterest, with my *famed ‘Woops, There Go My Panties’ Beard Porn Board, providing late-night entertainment for Ladies the world over, apparently (and Men. That’s implicit). Look me up, I post all sorts of pretty things. And Beards. Lots of Beards.

I have a website; it isn’t especially good, but…  

FACEBOOK  https://www.facebook.com/MurielLavenderPoetrix

WEBSITE ... you can look, if you like www.muriel-lavender.com

PINTEREST*  http://www.pinterest.com/muriellavender/

BLOG  http://muriel-lavender.blogspot.com/

TWITTER @MurielLavender          INSTAGRAM @muriellavender

… but really, this is where the fun happens.  Why not follow my blog, while you’re here?

I’M GOOD AT SOCIAL MEDIA. Insofar as there is a proper way to use it, I use it in the properest way. That is, I keep it light and sparkling¹, I interact with people all over the world, and I don’t post pictures of my fucking dinner.  Or of rainbows, either.  I know they’re nice, but for fuck’s sake, the entire world doesn’t need to join me in running outside to point at the pretty thing.

because there's never a bad time to look at my legs

Being an International Superstar (as I most certainly am, what with being the current World #2 Whiskerina, and also Pope, so there’s that) naturally I meet the most interesting people. Some of them are are so remarkable that I just fall in love with them right there. Others are plain peculiar.  Some of them don’t exist (staggeringly beautiful 19-year-old transsexual living in my hometown? No, I think I’d have met you by now *ignores friend request*); whilst others really seem to admire my shoes to an unholy degree. I’m absolutely ok with that. Some of them – most, I must say, actually, there’s no ‘some’ about it – are tremendously witty and intellectually stimulating. But then, I move in the social circles, the celebrity squares, and the Dairylea triangles of Poetry, Burlesque, Steampunk and Competitive Bearding.  Wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful.

FINALLY GETS TO THE POINT

I want to introduce you to a fellow blogger, with whom I have enjoyed many a half-hour of amusing and/or challenging conversation. Sometimes we talk about Beards, or dreams, or snow; sometimes religion or sex or politics; sometimes we just do Monty Python sketches or sing silly songs. One night we chatted about Poetry. I admit now, Dorkbeard, you worried me at that point. Anyone who says ‘I used to write poetry.’ is as wont to unleash a storm of self-pitying dribble as they are to unleash the literary equivalent of cock-shots. So I played it down a little. Ok, a very little: I replied that my poetical output was really just a series of minge jokes. But a few minutes later DB sent me a poem full of such bliss that I have, in fact, performed at it two shows now (introducing it as the work of my good friend, just as I ought) – and congratulations have poured in. The audiences loved it. And, as it is indeed itself a thoroughly good minge joke, here it is:

A woman once said that a rose is a rose is a rose

But I'm afraid that I'm inclined to disagree

For each and every flower is uniquely distinct

When properly observed upon bended knee

Some have pink petals like satin and silk

So tightly closed their inner mystery they hide

Other still appear more like sun-bleached, chewed leather

And are open enough to fall inside

Some blossoms are set within manicured gardens

Some alone or with a neat shrub upon the porch

Yet others seem lost within deep, tangled jungles

So dark one may need to bring a torch

The sweetest of blooms smell sweetly and pure

It's a pleasure to behold their bouquet

Yet there are those left alone and not tended with care

Those smell more like low tide near the bay

Dear ladies please heed these small words of advice

And tend well to the roses that you keep

For then any true gentleman will gladly bend his head low

And ensure that his appreciation runs deep

Dorkbeard

5 March 2014

Delicious. See what I mean?  My acquaintance via the internets, they set the bar pretty high. I love their company and I am grateful⁴.

Incidentally, when it comes to Facebook, I have only ever blocked about a dozen people or so, and every single one of them was either a) racist or b) unimaginative. One bright spark managed to claim the entire intersection of that particular Venn diagram for himself by referring to someone as a 'curry-eater'. You really couldn't make it up, could you?

Get to know Dorkbeard here http://dorkbeard.wordpress.com/

¹Don’t start. I’m also aware that social media is an invaluable tool for spreading knowledge, politics and global issues, unadulterated by news agencies or governmental bias. But so is telly and it doesn’t stop them broadcasting Hollyoaks² and I’m A Third-Rate Celebrity and all the other lowest-common-denominator brain-rot.  As I said, I mostly do minge jokes. If you want serious political debate, go and see Russell Brand³.

²Is that even on, anymore? I’m well out of touch with the televisual device, me.

Is this yours?

³Russell Brand. I so would. I can’t help it. 

⁴Yes, I’m also fond of those who post when they get their hands stuck in the Pringles tube, but that is for very different reasons.

 

MURIEL MAKES AN ACTUAL COMMENT ABOUT SOMETHING (and only says 'fuck' once)

My Bottom. I've learnt to love it.

YES, OKAY - THAT IS MY DERRIÈRE at the top of the page. I'm a little surprised at it myself, considering my age - but goodness me, how long does a woman have to wait before she gains a bit of body-confidence?

VANILLA ICE? DEAR, HOW AMUSING

That said, this article interested me: I love Annie Lennox and I think she makes a very good point here. I'm not getting messages of body-confidence from Miley Cyrus or Rihanna (78 million Facebook 'likes'. That's a lot of teenagers to influence); rather, a very confusing and dangerous one. As I'm not writing for the Daily Fucking Mail, I'm not going to start speculating on what goes on inside the head of a 20-year-old, born to a famous dad, who has herself been famous for half her life. But I do think back to when Madonna was at the height of her 'Erotica' phase, when she first invented Sex (thanks Madge, don't know what we'd have done without you) and performed in titillating videos which were banned from our TV screens. Banned! Ha! Ha! The difference between Miley and Madonna? Madonna was thirty-four.*

NOT GETTING IT

One of the things I love about Burlesque is that it is often performed by slightly older women, for slightly older women. It's the same with my poetry - if they're too young, they may not get it. Of course, I'm very happy when they

Annie Lennox: a real role model

do, and I have met a great many bright, educated, gorgeous younger girls/women at various gigs. But crikey, when one starts going through the fancying-Melvyn-Bragg stage, there are aspects of one's work, inevitably, that take one to a place where the teens-and-twenties may not wish to follow. What am I trying to say? Maybe that you don't have to be 18 and perfect to wiggle your rear-end in public, and if you are, maybe you want to just give it a few years. Or at the very least, just be absolutely sure who it is you're trying to please.

LARGE BOTTOM

I spend a lot of time surrounded by scintillating, confident, sexy women of all ages, shapes and sizes. I am filled with love and admiration for them. I don't recall ever - ever - seeing any thrusting or groping of fannies on a Burlesque stage. Burlesque seems to me to be more delicate than that. You want strong, positive, independent female role models? I'll introduce you to a hundred.

Or you could try Annie Lennox. She's really good.

*STOP PRESS: I've just read that Cher's weighed in to the debate.  Now, when Cher says things have gone a little far, you know, isn't it time to start listening?  I'm now waiting for Lady Gaga to tweet 'Ooh, that's a bit much'...

MURIEL LAVENDER FOR POPE

It All Started On Twitter...

Actually, that's only half true. It started in November 2012 when the General Synod voted against the ordination of Women Bishops. I was very, very angry about that. Partly, I should add, because it turned me into the kind of person who tweets into news programmes - that is, it made me feel very strongly about an issue which has absolutely nothing to do with me and yet I was determined to use social media to voice my ill-informed opinion about it. Thanks, General Synod.  Perhaps you'd like to join me on Jeremy Kyle some time soon. As a vent for my wrath, I turned, as any rational adult should, to Playmobil.

You see? Isn't she lovely? Oh yes, I blogged about it too. 

As I'm not a Guardian columnist*, I shall not spend the rest of this blog entry telling you why I am still rather put out about the 'No' vote. You may as well ask why I don't feed Findus lasagne to my children: if you need answers to either of those questions, may I politely refer you back to Mr Kyle, where you may feel more at home. But thanks to the 'sudden' 'shock' resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, a new calling has opened up for me. I no longer wish to be Bish. No, it's now

MURIEL LAVENDER FOR POPE

 

 © steeljam.co.uk and Muriel Lavender

It began with a single nomination by a Twitter friend. Before long, the campaign had gathered momentum and no fewer than four people had tweeted the hashtag #muriellavenderforpope.  Soon the tag went viral, trending in at least one person's Twitter feed. My number of Twitter followers rocketed by 0.4% to 275! The time had come to start publishing my Manifesto:

Having been informed by my Discworld Mummy (see, I embrace a multi-faith society) that  "[Sorry Mu, but] the Pope Elect must stand on a glass pavement and three Bishops must take a look to see that 'he' is a 'he'; if all the 'bits' are in place he is crowned Pope", I can assure all my followers that that'll be the first thing to go. Standing on a glass floor showing Bishops my Holy C? I don't think so. I hereby announce the very first of my Papal Edicts:

"All future Papacies will be decided by means of a selection process which shall hereafter be known as the Vatican-can: Papal candidates will perform a Burlesque-style striptease routine in which they start off dressed as Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music and finish up dressed as Julie Andrews in S.O.B.***"

And do you know what? Men need not apply. Let's have it this way for two thousand years, then if you like, we'll swap back.  

Pardon?  

Tough. You should have let me be a Bishop when you had the chance**. Go in peace. And Stockings.

*Can you imagine? 'Why I'm Still Angry About 'No' Vote on Women Bishops', by Muriel Lavender. Followed up by 'Why I Think Breathing Is A Really Good Idea'. Oh, fuck off, for goodness' sake, do

**Yes, I know the General Synod is the Church of England, and the Pope is, blah, blah, blah. Yawn. Do you know who's on top of my Christmas Tree?  Charles Darwin, that's who.

***That is an hilarious Julie Andrews joke, by the way. No, it is. 

Tea and Tits with Dulcie Demure

On Saturday 27 October, WESTWAY CINEMA welcomes the return of LUX DE VILLE. In true Variety style, the show includes beautiful girls, fabulous music, singing, dancing, a little risqué comedy and – Poetry? Yes, Compere for the evening is Frome’s home-grown Poetrix Muriel Lavender, she of the naughty costumes and the even naughtier verse. 

We met with Dulcie Demure, founder of and principal performer at Dulcie Demure's School of Burlesque, to find out more. Over a sophisticated cup and saucer. With our pinkies sticking out.

Dulcie, this is the first Burlesque show at the Westway in over a year. What’s been happening?

‘We’ve been super busy performing at lots of local events, including Lolita Noir’s wonderful Crimson Cabaret event for PAC at Rook Lane last month. We’ve also been shooting a film with a talented Trowbridge artist, plus our usual modelling shoots and promo work for our next show, Lux de Ville!’

I heard about Crimson Cabaret - it was a sell-out show! Is Lux de Ville anything like that?

‘Yes – if you loved Crimson, you’ll love Lux-De-Ville: the same decadent styling and cabaret format. But each Burlesque show has a different feel to it. We like to keep the audience on the edge of their seats! And this time, we’re having fun with the Hallowe’en theme, so expect beauty and laughter with a dark-and-naughty twist!’

A dark twist! Sounds intriguing! How dark can you get with glitter and a feather boa, though?

‘Not every Burlesque artiste uses a feather boa!  We have quite a few tricks up our sleeves… but I couldn't possibly give away any secrets – you’ll have to come along to the show to find out just what we have in store for you!’

Tell me about Burlesque - isn't it just girls taking their clothes off?

‘Many people do think Burlesque is just stripping. It’s not. True, classic Burlesque is all about Variety: comedy, dancing and singing, and of course the seductive art of striptease. Because it conjures up the obvious images, it’s often forgotten that a Burlesque show is a highly sophisticated entertainment, carefully woven together in the old-fashioned cabaret style. The performers themselves take great pride and a lot of time and effort designing their routines and beautiful costumes.’

 

There's more to it than I thought. It's been around a long time, hasn't it?

‘Burlesque as an art form has been around for centuries, making many transitions since the 1400's when it originally meant ‘to make light of a serious subject’. The style we’re familiar with today has its roots in early 20^th-century America, We still try to maintain the comic art of Burlesque, which adds to the pleasure of classic striptease.’

And why the Westway? It's a Cinema...

‘The Westway is an independent Cinema which means it has a lovely welcoming atmosphere. The interior fits perfectly with Lux-de-Ville – although the Westway was rebuilt in the 1970s, it somehow has a slightly Art-Deco feel which adds to the Vaudevillean entertainment! The Cinema deserves the support of local people, so as part of the fun we’ll be holding a raffle with gorgeous prizes to raise money for the Go-Digital scheme. For Lux-de-Ville though, it’ll be transformed into a theatre with proper stage and comfy seating! You’ll love it. And it has a fully-licensed bar and snacks available – perfect!’

How did you get into the business then, Miss D?

‘I’ve been a dancer for over 20 years. I started Burlesque back in the early 90's when I lived in London, but gave up when I had my daughter.  I then went into Podium dancing and ran a dance school, but my love for vintage clothing and the art of Burlesque just dragged me back!  I set up Dulcie Demure’s School of Burlesque in 2009 and it’s gone from strength to strength: I’ve trained many ladies who are now performing on stage. Not only do I teach and perform myself, I also produce shows like Lux-de-Ville across the southwest and Wales. I meet amazing performers all the time, so as well as my own troupe I get some spectacular headline acts. Wait until you see Constance Peach…’

Gosh. See you on the 27^th!

Lux-de-Ville is at Westway Cinema on Saturday 27 October and Saturday 15 December. Headline performers will be different for each show, so check in online to find out more, and save by booking tickets in advance. Visit www.westwaycinema.com or call 01373 467088. Facebook users can look up the Westway Cinema, Dulcie Demure or Muriel Lavender for photos and sneak previews.