...Is A Rubbish Title For A Blog

Selenium Arsenic Oxygen Nitrogen Aluminum 

Iron Lithium Carbon Iodine Titanium Einsteinium

That's what I wanted to call this post. Because it spells this (below). You know how much I love the Periodic Table, and this is the politest thing I've ever spelt with it. The relative atomic masses are all correct to one decimal place and everything. 

Science is well sexy.

I made this. I think it's brilliant. So does Brian Cox, or he would, if he saw it. He'd say, 'Mu's cake is brilliaaaaant!'

IT'S CHRISTMAS, and every year I share something seasonal. You can hear my traditional Christmas Eve ghost story here - I read it to my children an hour ago and, once again, they loved it. 

Here's something else, though. I read this, and the ghost story, at the Midwinter Poetry Cafe just last week. You can read my friend Crysse's blog post about it here. This is a bit of Mu-Nonsense to bring to mind a very important but much overlooked period in the life of Jesus: we all know the story of the First Christmas, but very little is written about the Fifteenth Christmas.

So here for you - being as I'm Pope and all - is...

The Fifteenth Book of

CHRISTMAS

Chapter twelve, verses 1-24

¹And it came to pass that Joseph of Nazareth did speak unto his wife a third time, saying, O most holy Mother, the cock hath crew thrice already and His Lordship hath not yet arisen from his pit. ²And Mary did consider and reply, Do not forget, Husband, that the Lord is a growing boy and He needeth His sleep. ³And mind thy grammar.  

⁴That may be so, Wife, said Joseph unto Mary, but it changeth not the fact that thou art suffering Him to lie about in bed today of all days. ⁵Whereupon Mary did flick Joseph about the tunic with a teatowel, saying, Thou wert no doubt the same when thou wert that age. Unto this Joseph could make no reply, for he saw that the most Holy Virgin Mother did verily speak the truth.  

⁶When he could no more endure the waiting, Joseph did again go to Mary and implore of her, Canst thou do nothing to wake Him? ⁷The hour at which we break our fast approacheth, and my stomach doth begin to believe that, like the sacrificial lamb, my throat hath been cut. ⁸At this Mary did roll of her eyes unto Heaven and say, ⁹Sooth, thou shalt not die of hunger, thou great wet blanket, why dost thou not make thyself useful and bring forth the Hoover?  

¹⁰The Hoover? quoth Joseph. ¹¹Yea, the Hoover, quoth Mary, and verily at that moment did a brilliant light  shine upon the head of Joseph, and the angels did sing in holy harmony. Ah, uttered he, ¹²I get thy drift.  

¹³And thus it came to pass that Joseph did extract the Hoover from where it lay in a small utility cave, the existence of which was unto him hitherto unknown. And in his joy, Joseph was moved to exclaim, ¹⁴Righteously with this Hoover shall I cause the Lord to stir even from his pit, that we may at last gladly and with thanks feast upon our festive victuals and open our presents. ¹⁵Well done, Husband, Mary did reply unto him in such a virtuous whisper that he might not hear, ¹⁶Art thou not clever.
¹⁷And at that moment by the pressing of the button which beareth the Mighty Word, ‘ON’, did Joseph cause the air to be rent by a fearful noise. ¹⁸And the fearful noise did continue until the door unto the Lord’s chamber did open, whereupon the Lord Himself did appear in His pants. At this Joseph did rejoice in his small victory, and enquired of the Lord, ¹⁹Jesus, what time dost thou call this? ²⁰And the Lord was most displeased, and He did gnash of His teeth and speak in tongues about it being well unfair, it’s like My birthday and everything.  

²¹And with that did He shuffle into the bathroom, from whence did issue sounds which, though alarming, did fill of His parents’ hearts with hope that the Lord may yet appear a second time before noon.  ²²And Mary did turn unto Joseph, saying, there you are Husband, ²³the Lord doth move in mysterious ways. And Joseph did reply, ²⁴Yea, dear Wife, that He doth.

Here endeth the lesson.

© Muriel Lavender

November 2011

Oh, Godddd... She's At It Again

Thank Goodness I'm Pope

Jesus didn’t look like Jesus. I think we’re all grown-up enough to admit that now. So why does Jesus look the way he does?  Perhaps we can put that down to the early European artists who wanted European (that is, white) Christians to have a figure they could identify with. Look at the pictures above. Yes, go on – treat yourself. Any or all of them would attract comments of ‘he looks like Jesus’. I dare say they’d attract other comments, too, but I have a separate Beard Porn board on Pinterest for that (by the way – here it is. Well worth a look. For, like, half an hour). 

I do have experience of this phenomenon, as I am married to a man who fits the long-brown-hair-blue-eyes-nice-beard profile and gets very tired of kids mumbling look, it’s Jesus when he walks down the road. The image is powerful enough to reach teenagers who can’t see past their own Wii, and so enduring that no-one has successfully sought to update it for a thousand years. Though it might be fair to say that that is usually The Way Of Things when it comes to religious matters. 

In short, if you’ll forgive me – when did Jesus get hot? 

We were mulling this over, the girls and I… it stands to reason that an attractive and charismatic Messiah will fare better than an awkward and bumbling one (Oh, is that you, Russell Brand? Wait, who do you remind me of? No - no, it’s gone). 

 And we concluded this: 

"Go to Church! Free Wine – Hot Guys!"*

  

I thank you. Now, here is an entirely gratuitous photo of me with Trygve Seim. Because Trygve Seim.

© Ash Springle Photography for Captain Fawcett

 *Note to the Offended: Why are you even here? Did you not see my last two blogs? Have a look, there are pictures of minge on them! Oh, just go and look at Tea and Kittens, or something. Really. Pfffft.