Live And Let Live. Grow and Let Grow. Something About Kissing.

Oh fuck me, I’ve come over all ranty again.

It’s Movember: the time of year when – first and foremost – the campaign to raise awareness of prostate/testicular cancer¹ gets its biggest slice of the attention-pie all year. That is, after all, what Movember is for, and I hope that actual fundraising takes place, besides all the moustache baby-steps and hirsute guffaws. I’m all for it. Anything that makes a difference; bonds men together; makes people happy and adds fur to faces – those are all boxes to be ticked in my opinion (woo – there’s that word again, Mu’s favourite). After all, I am heavily involved in the Bearding Community and I have seen first-hand the good that Beard Clubs do, not just in raising funds for charities but right down on a personal level. Beards Help Their Brothers.

 

Some lovely Bearded Gentlemen. The Wessex Beardsmen, in fact.

Naturally, SocMed fills up with the usual memes relating to moustache growth; beards; shaving; not shaving; the superior ability of the one faction to ‘get pussy’ compared to the propensity for the other faction to actually have one, or be one, or something equally droll. These are met with laughter and/or derision, depending on the point of view – nay, the OPINION – of the other users. 

A new one this year was along the lines of (um), “She Says She’s Doing No-Shave November – She Better Get Ready For No-‘D’ December”. I’m not posting the meme here, for fuck’s sake, you’ve seen it enough times. I gather the implications are

• ·        that the Girlfriend of the Male in question is planning to stop shaving one or more body areas from which she is habitually inclined to undertake hair removal;

• ·        the Male is repulsed by the prospect of the Girlfriend acquiring a month’s worth of hair growth in said areas;

• ·        the Male proposes, presumably as an intended punishment, withholding sexual intercourse (the “D”, if you will) for the month following

It is unclear whether the Male intends to continue engaging in intimate acts with the Girlfriend during the month of November, nor is it clear whether the Girlfriend will revert to her usual state of depilatory satisfaction in time for the apparent penance of ‘No-D December’.

I am struggling with the logic here. Surely the Male will punish himself twice:

 - firstly, by forcing himself to have to commit acts which, though normally pleasurable, will disgust him (but not her, presumably) because he is having to do them with a lady of a very slightly more hirsute appearance during November;

 - then, for the month following, by which time the Girlfriend has become smooth and therefore, to him, desirable once more, by declining to engage in said acts despite the offending follicles being made bare of their growth in accordance with his preference?

Entirely gratuitous Jimmy Niggles shot. What? My blog...

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Mu, you’re thinking, Stop over-thinking it. It’s just a meme, and not a very good one at that. Well! Clearly I am not the only one to over-think things. ‘Swhat the Internets is for! This meme appeared in a ‘Closed’ Facebook group where, it must be said, nearly² all of the members are of sound mind and sense of humour: warm, kind, tolerant, and always happy to laugh at the ridiculous. The passion which unites us is for The Beard, and we don’t seem to care whether it’s on a man or a lady: all are welcomed with love and respect. It’s great.

However, this meme proved divisive. Debates began. Insults were thrown. True colours showed. Members left. Others laughed. I won’t repeat any of it – it’s all filed under YHTBT³. But it got me thinking about Feminism. Again, not a debate I plan to open, but I will say this: it is possible to be a Feminist and still shave your legs. Not every woman – not every Feminist – sees hair removal as a symptom of male oppression. If you are happy with your reasons for shaving – or for not shaving – great. That’s all you need. I don’t care if your reason is ‘Because my boyfriend prefers it’: if that’s your choice, that’s fine with me.  Why does it even need to be ‘fine with me’? See previous blogs where OPINIONS are concerned! Stop reading! You don’t need to care what I think! I barely give a fuck myself! There are bigger issues to be tackled by the Feminist movement than the choice of body hair removal. But to the men who buy into this ‘No-D December’ nonsense⁴, ask yourselves a couple of questions:

• ·        Do you think women’s body hair is gross because your friends say so?

• ·        Or because you watch a lot of porn?

Photo: Nash.  Meme: Me.

• ·        Or are you so ungrateful that the woman who lies down beside you actually desires you (whatever state you may be in) that you can’t look past a bit of leg stubble or even a hairy armpit?

If your answer is yes to any of these, seriously, grow the fuck up. Grow the fuck up. Body hair is unimportant. What we do with it is unimportant. Don’t use it as a tool for oppression, a symbol of liberation, don’t use it as anything. Shave it; don’t shave it; do with it as it pleases you. Respect the right of others to do with theirs as it pleases them⁵.

You know, though… I got to thinking. Again. If I were a man, yeah,

and I was having sex with a lady, yeah,

and I found she had hairy armpits, yeah,

that would be kind of cool. It would be like finding a little mini-beard in a place I wasn’t expecting.

A mini-beard! Amazing!

Women are beautiful. Men are beautiful.

Do you know what’s really amazing? Kissing. There should be more kissing. There just should.

¹The Movember movement also supports men’s mental health. I approve this warmly. Love. Respect. Kindness. Compassion. Everyone. Women and Men.

²I say Nearly. Clearly one or two of them turned out to be misogynist pricks. Or maybe they were misunderstood; Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged. Thou Shalt Not Be A Keyboard Warrior. And all that shit

³You Had To Be There. That’s where it’s filed

⁴No, I know it’s not really a ‘thing’. But there are people out there who take memes more seriously than they should. For example, I’ve got a thousand words out of doing just that

⁵My own feminine horticultural arrangements remain, however, my business and mine alone. I will not be drawn on this⁶

⁶And no, I don’t mean it’s drawn on. Fuck’s sake. But you know, I do love a footnote

THE BRITISH BEARD AND MOUSTACHE CHAMPIONSHIPS 2014

Darlings, I'm sorry. This still isn't the post I want to do. I will get there. But my mother's away and she hasn't seen the pictures yet, so this is for her sake.  In haste, I have harvested these from my Facebook wall. I will credit them appropriately as soon as I can. But she's in a different time zone and - well, just have a look. it was the best day. Here you are, Mamma.

 THE BRITISH BEARD AND MOUSTACHE CHAMPIONSHIPS 

SEPTEMBER 13, 2014 - BATH PAVILION

with thanks to THE WESSEX BEARDSMEN

THE BRITISH BEARD CLUB

hosts: MICHAEL 'ATTERS' ATTREE and MURIEL LAVENDER

in aid of DEPRESSION ALLIANCE

and DOROTHY HOUSE HOSPICE CARE

HE THAT HATH NO BEARD IS LESS THAN A MAN

I'm doing this in the car. Bear with me. Hyperlinks will go in later: they're proving to be a f**king fanny on a Samsung Galaxy S4 mini. Any photographs I manage to upload are by Bertrand Vessier.

FIRST THINGS FIRST – THE FUND IS STILL OPEN, so if you want to donate you still can.  Let me remind you who you’re supporting: the two chosen charities of the British Beard and Moustche Championships, which are Dorothy House and Depression Alliance. I maintain that there is not a person in the UK right now who will not, at some point, need the services of one charity or the other; or have a loved one who will. Give some money at Mu's Big-Ass Charity Tattoo - if you give £25 I’ll send you the signed photo of my –

- Never mind. I’m getting to that. This is what happened.
Somehow (I know not how) I made the decision to get a tattoo. Not my first; though I may be forgiven the youthful foolishness which planted a marsupial on my backside like a little ass-hickie. No, this would be my first proper, serious, grown-up tattoo.

But I can’t tell you all that, either. Because I told it to the editor of Skin Deep Tattoo Magazine after I had the almighty front to send him an email containing the following - just days after being introduced to him at the Great British Tattoo Show:

“Let me get to the point: In a nutshell (deep breath), do you think [the magazine] would consider it a matter of sufficient interest to feature between its covers the occasion of my inking? I should simply adore it if you would.

Good God, I shock myself sometimes. If I thought it would sway you, I’d send you a picture of the proposed canvas; but fortunately, I actually do know when to wind it in. Sort of.”

Obviously, I’d explained about the charity fundraiser as well. So that makes it perfectly ok*.  But you can read the full story in Issue 241, out in September.

THE OUTCOME

• So far, £1820 donated to the cause. 
• A total of 7.5 hours of tattoo work by a woman I admire so very, very much – I hope I may be allowed to call her a friend. 
• Genuinely the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and I’ve had two children. 
• A nude photoshoot with a photographer I trust completely, and whose work I love. 
• Countless messages of love and support from all over the world.

This year has brought yet more wonderful people into my life, and I am constantly overwhelmed at the capacity of ordinary people to act kindly for others. Thank you, all of you, who have supported me in my hare-brained scheme to raise money and promote the Beard Championships. And yet it’s so much more than that: I feel as though I have a new friend. 

William Eight-Speare. He’s got my back.

*No it doesn’t. Siôn, I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that, based on an hour’s acquaintance. Sorry. Sorry.

YOU GOT ME TO THE FIVE, YOU GORGEOUS DIRTY BASTARDS

PLEASE NOTE THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG BEFORE READING:
1. Shameless request for further sponsorship
2. Brief summary of why I'm baring my bottom
3. Poetic interlude
4. Further padding
5. My bottom

IF ANY OF THIS CONTENT IS LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU*, STOP. STOP NOW. GO AND GIVE MONEY TO KITTENS, OR THE CHURCH, OR SOMETHING.

*ADMITTEDLY, MY POEMS ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWFUL

You may be aware of the extent to which Beards have taken over my life. If, y'know, you live in this Universe, or any of the others, depending on whether you subscribe to the Many Universes Theory; though I'm pretty sure everyone is sick of looking at my arse in all of them.

SPONSOR ME HERE - GO ON:

DO IT NOW, BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN AND LOOK AT MY BOTTOM

Beards:
A year ago I became a Brand Ambassador for Captain Fawcett’s Gentlemen’s Grooming products.
Last July I cut the ribbon at the Wessex Beardsmen’s first annual Beard and Moustache Championships.
Within months I took the Silver trophy at the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Stuttgart. (Ladies’ category, of course - and if you follow that link, there's a lovely pic of me chatting with the World No.3)
At the start of the year I became Miss January for the Whiskerinas' 2014 charity calendar. Me. Miss January. I know.
THIS SEPTEMBER I will co-host the British Beard and Moustache Championships in Bath, UK.
I take my Bearding seriously, is what I'm saying. Bearding has been kind to me, and I love it.

The chosen charities supported by the 2014 Championships are Dorothy House Hospice Care and Depression Alliance. To mark the occasion in a PERMANENT way, and to help raise much-needed funds for these two great causes, I’m doing something drastic. This crazy project represents six hours of agonising pain for me… but with YOUR HELP, the funds raised could make a huge difference in the lives of those affected by much more real pain and suffering. Yes, I'm having a Sponsored Arse-Tattoo.  

Before I get to the details (and yes, I'm just forcing you to scroll down, really, but I like to provide culture as well as filth), here's a poem which sums up my life as it is at present, and it's dedicated on this occasion to the girls I performed with last night. They all understand. I was at Kitty Ribbons' Gloucester show, 'Cherries On A Cloud', which is possibly my favourite show to do. I love the venue, the audience, the girls, the crew... I am very blessed. Very blessed indeed. So pity our poor partners.

Artiste for a Wife

Or,

F*cking Glitter Everywhere

Everyone thinks it’s a glamorous life

Having a Burlesque artiste for a wife:

It’s a non-stop tornado of music and dance

And of course I do have a magnificent arse!

 - Not that he’d know because he never sees

I rarely get home before twenty-to-three;

He used to wait up but he don’t so much now

Since I said, ‘You want sexual intercourse? How

D’you think that conversation is going to go?

I’ll give you a clue, it ends with a NO!

How long do you think I’ve been on my feet

In six inch stilettoes? – six hours at least!

I just want to have a sit down and a cuppa

But no – your wife comes home and you want to fuck her!

Glitter all over my face and my hair

I’m covered in glitter from here down to there

I’m covered in makeup and sequins and sweat

I’m struggling to breathe! You imagine I’m getting

My freak on, the second I walk in the door?

Well, Baby, I am – I’m a Cabaret Whore!

I’m horny as fuck! You wouldn’t believe

Quite how desperate I am to have you relieve

Me, don’t wait for the bedroom, right here in the hall

Just do me while pressing me up to the wall –

It’s not just the roar of the crowd, I confess

That’s got certain areas under my dress

Behaving in ways that are certain to shock

If I may be blunt,  I’m well up for some cock –

(I’m aware the word ‘blunt’ has an obvious rhyme

Did you notice it’s not at the end of a line?

I’m not that sort of girl, I’m quite filthy but still,

I’ve not said it on stage, and I never will)

– I’ve been fondled and kissed by six women tonight

And it’s that that’s been making my thighs feel tight

But women are so much more physical than

I’d engage for, for certain, if it was a man;

And I love that the sisterhood celebrates wit,

And beauty, and curves, without being a bitch

– Leave that to Hollywood, Heat or Hello

Real women enjoy real friendship up close;

So glitter envelops our breasts and our hair

I’m covered in glitter from here down to there

Enough with the talking! Now let’s get it on!

Shut up or you’ll find that my lady-wood’s gone

Get me out of this gear by untying this lace

(Steady on, love, that just flicked in my face)

Unclasping my bodice will take a few minutes

My hair's coming down so I need to unpin it

Knickers on top and some more underneath

Yes, take them off – take them off with your teeth!

Divest me of feathers, denude me of hose

As for my shoes - I'll let you play with those

Unhand me of fans and deflower my gown

Strip me of jewels from navel to crown

Glitter in knickers and glitter in hair

I’m covered in glitter from here down to there

Everyone thinks it’s a glamorous life

Having a Burlesque artiste for a wife

No doubt about it! We strip and we tease

We’ve all sorts of delicate tricks up our sleeves

From a flirtatious glimpse to a slow stocking peel

No wonder you can’t wait to see our reveal

My welcome is warm, and it’s wet, but again

When it’s over, there’s still no escaping the trend

You find that there’s glitter all over the end –

Ooh. Chafing.

© Muriel Lavender  
February 2014


Here's the initial sketch I sent to the artist when I commissioned the work: I sort of knew what I wanted, but as the artist is none other than Brian Kesinger himself, I knew he'd understand what I was after.

As you see, I needed an expert. However, a tattoo is a permanent friend, and it has to sit perfectly where it's placed. It was essential that Brian knew his canvas, so to speak. As he is, of course, an Artist, a Professional, and a Gentleman, I felt sure he would not be excessively shocked. And do you know, as it turned out, he was too polite to even mention it.

So I sent this - which is the picture I promised I would publish when your donations to the two causes reached £500. Current count is almost £580 - so with my love, gratitude, extreme puzzlement, shock at my own temerity, and a fair dose of 'Ha Ha, Get a Load of Mu's Arse', here it is. Unfiltered, un-shopped, just with the bits concealed that you really don't need to see...

And finally - the Bard himself, 
with thanks to Brian Kesinger. I'll see you at the 

British Beard and Moustache Championships 
on September 13.

.